Changing Shame and Guilt into Hope and Optimism

What I find so common among those who smoke, is the feelings of either shame and/or guilt. Shame that there is something wrong with me that I don't want to quit smoking knowing that I "should", and/or guilt because I want to and haven't been able to quit. I am certainly familiar with both of those emotions.

I had quit for 2 months the first time I was diagnosed with BC in 1987 when I was 32. I relapsed during chemo, I just couldn't handle the stress--back then they didn't have the anti-nausea drugs they have now and every worst story you have heard about throwing up from chemo is what I went through.

Back then you could smoke anywhere and everyone I knew was on my case to quit--even other smokers would say, "VJ why are you smoking, you've had cancer?" I would just last back at them, "how do you know you don't have cancer?" My anger was just a cover up for my feelings of shame that I just couldn't quit smoking and guilt every time I relapsed. I would be able to go for a couple of months and then bam--I'd relapse. I call myself the Queen of Quitting since I've quit for at least three months--9 times.

Yet the common emotions for those who are now smoke-free is the joy and freedom we feel to have broken through and accomplished our goal of becoming smoke-free---one of the hardest things it is to do in life. Yet those who are successful have travel a journey that others are still taking.

I think of of the most important steps is changing our emotional outlook from shame and guilt to one of hope and optimism---from "I can't do this, I don't want to do this, I don't know how to do this" to: "someday I will be able to do this, I will be able to figure out my path to being smoke-free, I can do this with help and support and it will be there for me as I seek out different options".

Optimism opens doors to inner strengths that often we don't realize we have such as: resilience, creativity, persistence, problem solving, confidence, ingenuity, critical thinking, courage and self-control.

I'm not saying it is easy, I'm just saying- I know you can do it!

Do the cravings (for nicotine) ever stop?

A. has been quit for 6 months yet she still gets cravings just as strong as the first day she quit. She asks,

"Will it ever get better or will it a battle forever?"

You need to stay vigilant and work on changing your self talk. When a craving comes up--if you keep saying--"this is just like day one" and questioning if it will ever get better--that thought process can lead you back. Instead reframe it to: "I've made it 6 months and most of the time, it is easier but since I'm still having craving, maybe there is something more to learn about my addiction to nicotine." Then see if you can trace back your thoughts to what trigger it in the beginning. After 6 months, it's probably not a "habit" cigarette but one that is attached to strong emotions, (positive or negative) and/or stress. 
This is an activity from my book  How To Win at Quitting Smoking:

Activity: Five steps to train your brain to think of smoking in a different way.

You need to recondition your brain to stop the automatic thoughts that nicotine has planted. It takes time. If you only change your behavior and not your thinking, you may relapse or turn to something else such as food.
Write these five steps down on a card and carry them with you. Whenever a craving comes up use these steps to change what you tell yourself when you think about smoking or have a craving. You can use these steps when you first quit and at any time in the future:
1. “I’m having a desire to smoke right now.” Having a desire to smoke is normal and the craving will go away whether or not you smoke. Just let it run its course.
2. “I can smoke at any time, I’m not deprived.” Nobody is taking your cigarettes away from you. It is your choice and you are working towards what you really want and it’s not the cigarette. Remember what smoking is depriving you of that is more important: money, health, freedom.
3. “I’m a puff away from a pack a day.” It’s easy to fall into the trap of having “just one”. Do not kid yourself.
4. “Right now I have a choice to make for myself. Either I give in to this temporary discomfort and go back to the constant misery of smoking, or I can accept this temporary discomfort and work through it for (. . . name one of your Benefits of Becoming Smoke-Free).”
5. “At this moment, I willingly accept this temporary discomfort because I want (. . . then list your Benefits of Becoming Smoke-Free).” Focus on what you truly want.


You always have a choice! When a craving comes up, you will always have two choices:
• You work through it and remain smoke-free, or
• You slip and smoke a cigarette. 
If you choose the latter, again you have two choices:
• You resolve to remain smoke-free and learn from the slip, or
• You blame yourself, beat yourself up, feel guilty and smoke another cigarette.
If you choose the latter, your next two choices are:
• You renew your resolve to become smoke-free and start anew, or
• You relapse and become a smoker again. Realize you need to work on your motivation, make changes in your Action Plan and/or set another Quit Date when you’re ready.
You can choose to see a slip as a failure or as a learning experience. You can choose to let the events of your life control you, or you can take control of your life. The choices you make are determined by who you think you are, and the benefits and expectations you bring to the situation.

Why can't I stop crying since I've quit smoking?

Intense, non-stop crying can be a sign of depression, which is also a nicotine withdrawal symptom. It can also be a sign that you need to learn how to deal with your emotional connection to smoking. Most likely it is a combination of both.

Not only is quitting smoking a physical journey but it is an emotional one too. Often quitters under estimate the strength of that emotional connection. Smoking offers the illusion of being able to go through life with the least amount of pain and the greatest amount of pleasure because it enhances positive emotions like pleasure and happiness and suppresses negative emotions such as stress, anger, sadness and loneliness.

My last challenge to ending my relationship with cigarettes was learning how to deal with anger without smoking.

I had been quit for about three months when I got into a fight with my father. I had never been so angry at him before. He was an alcoholic and a prolific drunk dialer. He had been a  real estate broker for most of his life and I was now selling real estate. I'm sure in his mind he thought he was being helpful when he decided to drunk dial the manager of the office I was working at and identify himself as "Santa Claus". Lucky for me his call was intercepted by a sympathetic secretary.

I blew up and headed straight for my local convenience store and bought a pack of my favorite cigarettes - Marlboro 100's. I wasn't kidding myself about only going to smoke "just one", I knew I was going to chain smoke the whole pack and I did.  As I smoked each cigarette what I was really doing was "smoking at" my father and suppressing my anger.

This relapse only lasted a few weeks. After having cancer I knew it was stupid of me to go back to smoking. I had been trying so hard for so many years to quit, that I made the decision that no matter what I was not going to smoke ever again. That meant I had to learn how to deal with not only my anger but all of my emotions.

Almost all smokers start as teenagers, so at an early age we learn to associate smoking with emotions. They help us celebrate the good times and commiserate during the bad. No wonder it feels like we are losing our best friend when we quit.

There are four ways of dealing with emotions: express, suppress, escape and release. With anger I needed to learn how to release it in a healthy manner without smoking, instead of using nicotine to suppress it. I did have help with this from a professional therapist who I had been seeing to deal with the stress of going through cancer treatment.

The best place to start is to talk with your doctor about cessation medication to lessen the withdrawal symptoms. The use of bupropion, which is an anti-depressant, may be a suitable choice. It can also be used in combination with nicotine replacement products. Next, if professional therapy is not an option, join a support group such as nicotine anonymous, or on an online group such BecomeAnEx.org. It helps to share your emotional journey with others who can relate how they are dealing with the same issues.

Realize that smoking has been numbing you to the full range of the emotions of life and without smoking you are just beginning to experience the richness of life. Nicotine is not a best friend but a saboteur and an enemy who doesn't want the best for you but only wants your money.

Shame and guilt keep smokers smoking

Often what keeps smokers smoking is either shame or guilt or both. As a coach, I never want to add to either emotion with my clients. Shame is "there is something wrong with me (that's why I can't quit)". Guilt is "I'm doing something wrong (but I don't know how to stop)". I remember feeling both after my first cancer diagnosis---even smokers would bug me to quit--"VJ, why are you smoking, you've had cancer?" This was back in the late '80's and I would get mad because even though I wanted to quit, I didn't know how and because I had tried and failed so many times, I figured something is wrong with me. The last time I relapsed, I became a closet smoker--nobody knew I had gone back to smoking because I just didn't want to hear any remarks. Finally at a 4th of July party, I couldn't stand it anymore and I lite up. You could hear the disappointment in a friends voice when she said, "but you were doing so well."---not really I had been smoking for months, she just didn't know it.

So  when my quitters talk to others about quitting, I suggest they say--"If I can quit, there is hope for you too, I know you can be successful, when you're ready"--instead of "If I can do it, you can too"---just a slightly different phrasing but the impact can be great. Haven't we all heard some "holier than thou" former smokers bellow--"If I can quit, ANYBODY can quit" and in the back of our minds we're thinking--not me, I've tried and I can't, which increases feelings of shame and/or guilt.

I do believe that anybody can quit--but the timing needs to be right, there needs to be sufficient motivation and desire, there is a re-learning process where the person is going to feel uncomfortable as they are learning to live without smoking and sometimes it doesn't seem worth the effort to learn high effort coping skills when low effort smoking works so well for us. There is physical addiction to deal with as well as emotional ties and habits.

Different Skills Needed to Stop Smoking and then to Stay Quit

There are two different periods when a smoker quits. The initial quitting lasts 2 to 4 weeks. This is when the quitter is learning how to deal with the physical aspects of quitting and the habit cigarettes. There are now 7 FDA approved medications to handle the physical aspect of quitting and most individuals are able to get through this period by using one or a combination of these medications or for some, they are able to handle going cold turkey. Habit cigarettes fade away within 3 to 4 weeks because they are habits, you get to practice new habits on a daily basis, so that in a short period of time, most quitters have mastered the physical aspect and their habits. But many are not prepared for the second phase which can last up to a year or more. Without medicinal or counseling support, up to 95% of smokers will relapse within the first year and another 15% the second year. This drops to 60% to 90% if medications and counseling are used.
So the reality is that we are successfully able to get smokers to quit for a period of time but not forever. Preventing a relapse takes different skills than were needed in the first couple of weeks. After 6 months, when the telephone rings, the quitter is not still looking for their cigarettes, the car starts without lighting one up, the withdrawals have long since past but new situations pop up and without preparation, the quitter can very easily relapse.
The problem areas usually center around positive social situations, negative emotions and stress situations, being around other smokers, alcohol and weight gain. For long term success, a quitter will need to face this situations without turning to their long lost friend-a cigarette.

Getting the Right Kind of Support When Quitting Smoking

You've quit smoking for a couple of days and it's been a struggle but so far you've been able to resist temptation. A well meaning friend asks how you are doing? You explain your struggles and instead of getting encouragement that while it is hard that you can do it, the comments you get --feel like judgement, blaming and shaming. Friends who have never smoked just don't get it and former smokers think that if they can quit, anybody can quit. Often these well meaning friends just don't know what to say and they say the wrong thing or even worse tell you that you'll never be successful or that you too grumpy anyway so why don't you just go have a cigarette
Feeling judged or being shamed or blamed can lead us right back to our friend who never judged, shamed or blamed us--cigarette. So if this has happened to you, don't discuss your smoking struggles with them anymore, tell them that their comments feel like judgements or tell them exactly what you want to hear. The right kind of support can encourage and strengthen our resolve instead of weakening us.
Sabotage can come from many places and we need to protect ourselves even from well meaning friends. Find a support person that give you the kind of support that feels good, that doesn't blame or shame but offers encouragement that no matter where you are and what you have done that tomorrow is another day and you can be successful. Believe in progress not perfection.

Powerful Technique to Stop Smoking

When we exchange our cigarettes for freedom from tobacco, often we feel deprived. I remember it was a few years after I quit and a craving seemed to overwhelm me with the thought, "How dare they take my cigarettes away from me!" I didn't know who "they" were and it only took a minute to realize what a crazy thought this was, but it shows the seductive power that nicotine can have over us. When we quit, it feels like losing a best friend--one that has been there through everything-the first job, the first boyfriend, the breakup, college, unemployment, the wedding, the divorce, through the good times and the bad, cigarettes never talked back, always gave us the comfort we were seeking and only asked for our future health in return.
A powerful technique for letting go is to write a goodbye letter to your cigarettes detailing what they have meant to you, as well as what they are doing to you. Tell them that you are finally able to handle life and all of it's ups and downs without them. Keep this letter and reread it when nicotine is trying to seduce you back into it's unhealthy ways. Send me a copy, I would love to read it.

Quit Smoking for Yourself or For Another Person

Jessica finally decided to quit smoking because her son and daughter in law were going to have their first child and told Jessica that she couldn't be around the child and smoke, which meant she didn't get to babysit her first grandchild.
It's important to quit for yourself rather than for someone else and Jessica is at high risk of relapse if her reason for quitting disappears. What if her son and daughter in law decide to move across the country and Jessica isn't able to visit and babysit like she would like to?
When Kathy became engaged, she promised her fiancée she would quit and she did through my Stop Smoking, Stay Quit workshop. I ran into her at the store about five months later and she cried,
“Every day I wake up and say-I miss my cigarettes!” I made a few suggestions but found out later that she started smoking again when her engagement was broken off. She didn’t really want to quit and when her reason (fiancé) disappeared, so did her desire.
Bertha quit smoking because her husband suffered a heart attack and his doctor told her about the harmful effects of second hand smoke for heart patients. After two years, her husband passed away and she started smoking again. She told me that she felt resentment towards her husband the entire time that she was quit and blamed him for taking away her cigarettes.
Being told that you have to quit or quitting for someone else is not the same as wanting to quit. It is important for the smoker to find reasons to quit for themselves instead of feeling forced to do something against their will. Even if the smoker does quit, they could be setting themselves up to relapse down the road.

Weight Gain Tied to Emotional Issues when Quitting Smoking

Many people will gain weight when they quit smoking (see previous blog for 7 Reasons Why Quitters gain weight on August 1, 2008). The reason why people will gain a large amount of weight is because they are eating more, it is not because of the small change in metabolism. Why the increase in food? For emotional reasons. We smoke when we are sad, happy, lonely, afraid, angry, stressed and for many other emotions because smoking enhances our emotional state. It enhances positive emotions and lessens negative emotions, we can either stop from feeling bad or feel a little bit better. when we stop smoking, strong emotions tend to overwhelm the quitter and we reach for food--comfort food, we eat when we are sad, happy, lonely, afraid, angry, stressed and for many other emotions because eating enhances our emotional state. sound familiar? quitters will often replace food as a source of comfort just like they had been using their cigarettes. With each emotion is an emotional need that needs to be addressed instead of covering it up with a substance. Learning how to handle our emotions is just another step to successful living smoke free

Dealing with Stress and Strong Emotions When Quitting Smoking

Smoking offers the illusion of going through life with the least amount of pain and the greatest amount of pleasure. Smoking seems to lessen negative emotions and heightens positive experiences. So when a smoker quits, negative emotions seem to be worse and positive emotions, not quite as fun.

Quitting smoking is like losing a best friend. In the past when experiencing stress or emotional turmoil, a smoker usually reaches for a cigarette for a calming effect. A cigarette helps relieve sadness or the blues. When happy a cigarette helps celebrate the moment. The cigarette has been there through everything. It never talks back, never fails to comfort, and always provides pleasure and gratification. Who wouldn't want a friend like that? Who wouldn't grieve the loss of this friend or experience depression, anxiety or even hostility when that friend is taken away?

Smokers associate strong emotions with smoking. Without the cigarette smokers often don't know how to cope with strong emotions when quitting. They also may experience more negative emotions when quitting, so it is a two edged sword. They don’t have the one coping mechanism that has worked in the past and can relapse when experiencing strong emotions.

Smokers think the answer to this dilemma is to have "just one" cigarette but that will trigger off a relapse because the smoker underestimates the power nicotine has over their brain. Instead, the first question should be-"What is it that I really need?" The answer is not a cigarette. Emotions affect us physically and mentally. Does your body need attention--to vent with exercise or to relax with a bubble bath or a massage? Do you need to emotionally vent by talking to a supportive person or to chill with relaxing music or take your mind off of whats bothering you and go see a movie? The answer to the question, "What is it that I really need?" will be what has been missing in the smokers life that he or she replaced with a cigarette and the answer will be different for each smoker and will vary depending on the circumstances.

Shame and Guilt when Quitting Smoking

It takes most smokers several quit attempts before they are finally successful at becoming smoke free. The first time, quitters usually get cocky and can't believe how easy it was to quit and they believe that they can smoke when they want, they think they can control their smoking but the changes in the structures of the brain are so strong that a momentary slip can lead to a full relapse. Often when the attempts doesn't work, the relapser can feel a range of emotions from guilt, shame or embarrassment. When we are in embarrassed, we try to not commit the same mistake again or at least not when someone else is watching which can lead to becoming a closet smoker. Both guilt and shame imply failure but for different reasons. Guilt will often prod an individual into taking action because the belief is that we have done something wrong and we naturally want to do what is right but it is our behavior that we judge not ourselves. However, many smokers get caught up in Shame--believing that there is something wrong with them and that is why they can't quit. Shame causes a person to judge themselves as "bad" "defective" or some other terms that condemns the person instead of the behavior. Non-smokers will also invoke shaming by the comments that they make to a smoker. We need to stop judging the person and look at the behavior--that is what we don't like--love the smoker, hate the smoking. Make sure that your smoker realizes the different. Shaming, blaming, and nagging jsut keep the smoker wrapped up with their cigarettes and inhibits the progress eneded to move forward to quit.

Why Smokers Gain Weight When They Quit Smoking and Tips to Quit

there are 7 different reasons why smokers gain weight when they quit, most of it is because of eating more food:

1. Change in metabolism accounts for 3-6 pounds. 70% of weight gain is due to increase calorie consumption.
- Exercise, 20 minutes per day more than you normally do
- Discuss using Zyban™ and Nicotine Replacement Products with your doctor, these medications can help reduce the amount of weight gained.

2. Withdrawal from nicotine causes low blood sugar
- Substitute raw fruit or vegetables for pastries, candy bars and junk food
- Eat on a regular basis, do not skip meals

3. Ingesting more food as a habit of hand to mouth motion
- Stock up on low fat crunchy foods, such as unshelled unsalted sunflower seeds, or unbuttered popcorn, eat one at a time.
- Increase intake of vegetables such as carrot sticks, celery, green peppers, jicama,
- Get a fake cigarette, a coffee stirrer or toothpick to chew on
- Get a water bottle and take frequent sips of water


4. Using food as a reward for not smoking
- Find other rewards than food, treat yourself with the money you are saving by not smoking
- Stay conscious about the amount of food that you are eating
- Keep a food diary, writing down before you eat what you are going to eat, where you are, what
you are doing and how you are feeling.

5. Eating more at meals to delay having a craving that comes at the end of a meal
- Get up from the table as soon as you are full
- Go brush your teeth, have a breathe mint, chew gum
- Use a smaller plate
- Go for a walk after eating

6. Food tastes and smells better once you have quit smoking
- Eat slower, putting your fork down in between bites
- Decide and write it down, how much food that you are going to eat before the meal
- Be conscious of what you are putting into your mouth

7. Emotional eating. Not dealing with feelings and emotions but using food as a substitute for
emotional needs. To escape from boredom, tension, depression. Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired
- Continue the food diary, paying particular attention to how you are feeling when you are eating. Decide how to handle emotions in a health, non-judgment manner without resorting to food, alcohol, cigarettes or other substances.

Different Reasons Why We Smoke

I have personally quit a total of nine separate times for at least 3 months each time. This is not counting the numerous attempts of a day here or a day there. Each time I have quit, I have learned something else about how I was connected to my cigarette. The first time I quit, it seemed easy, too easy and I thought I could control my smoking. But I was wrong, I needed to learn about relapsing and how just one cigarette can lead to a whole pack.
Another time it was important to learn what to do with my hands and the hand to mouth motion. Chewing on coffee stirrers worked for me. Other times, it was learning how to handle social situations without smoking and having a cocktail. I used to run a social club and often smokers would come up to me with a cigarette in their hand and want to talk. I would excuse myself and say that I would be right back. As soon as they put out their cigarette, I would return and them tell them that I had recently quit and it was difficult for me to be around a lit cigarette. That put the emphasis on me changing, not on changing or making them wrong.
The last time I quit, I needed to learn to control my strong emotions. I had started again because I was so angry at someone else that I had no outlet to vent and I saw no option except to smoke. Each time I quit, I develop another tool for my toolbox in dealing with my addiction to nicotine. Just like a carpenter needs many different tools for different jobs, a smokers needs different tools to handle the many different way they are connected to their cigarettes.
Since I've quit at least 9 times, this also means that I relapsed 8 times before I was finally successful. Most smokers would have given up before that because we want to make it easy to quit, we just want it over with but for some people like me who are truly addicted to nicotine, we need all the help we can get--which is developing more tools for your toolbox.

Dealing with Emotions when Quitting Smoking

Smokers reach for a cigarette for many different reasons--habit, physical craving, boredom, and strong emotions. When angry, lonely, sad, happy, afraid, a cigarette seems to help the situation. but in reality it is just blocking the emotional need. When angry, a person needs to vent in a healthy way instead of reaching for the cigarette. When celebrating a special event, often the smoker will feel deprived and feel they can't have as good a time with out their cigarettes. To be a long term success at quitting, a quitter needs strategies to deal with strong emotions when they come up--a plan of action. For anger, maybe a brisk walk to release some of that pent up anger. When lonely-reaching out to a friend for support. When we are afraid, we need to feel safe. There are gender differences as well. Women will often reach for a cigarette to deal with negative emotions and men in positive, social situations. Learning to deal with our emotional needs is a big component of living a smoke free life.