Helping a Closet smoker to Quit Smoking

Whenever Steve took the trash out, his wife would comment that he smelled like smoke. Steve always said the smell was from a neighbor that smoked that he ran into outside.
Gail was in sales and before going into a client’s office, she would spray, spritz, wash and cover up any sign or smell that she smoked.
After Richard's heart surgery, his wife found a pack of cigarettes in his bathrobe. She thought he had quit.
Like Steve, Gail and Richard, I was a closet smoker. After my cancer experience, even smokers would bug me about my smoking.
“Why are you smoking, you’ve had cancer?”
I wanted to scream at them to leave me alone, after all, how did they know that they DIDN’T have cancer but just didn’t have a diagnosis yet? So after another failed quit attempt, I hide my smoking from everyone even other smokers. At work, I would take any opportunity to run errands, so I could smoke.
It was at an all day picnic for the 4th of July when I couldn’t stand it anymore and pulled out a cigarette and lit up. I could hear the disappointment in my friend’s voice when she said,
“But you were doing so well.”
Not really, she just didn’t know I was smoking. People don’t notice when you don’t smoke, they only notice when you do smoke.
Closet smokers hide their behavior because they do not want their friends and family to nag them about their smoking. They don’t want to hear the disappointment, the anguish, the frustration in their loved ones voice. Closet smokers feel a range of emotions from failure, shame and guilt to indignation and self-righteousness. What you don't want to do is escalate the situation. If confronted, the closet smoker will likely tell you to "BUTT OUT!"
The problem is that when a closet smoker wants to quit, it’s hard to ask for help for something that you’ve hidden from everyone. But that doesn't mean that they don't want to quit but they don't feel comfortable talking to you about it.
The best way to help a closet smoker to quit if you find out they are smoking, is to NOT make a big deal out of it and make them wrong, or blame them for being a failure. Most likely they have tried to quit before and there is nothing you can say that they haven't already told themselves. The last thing you want to do is make them feel guilty or shame. The best thing to do is just tell them that what a great job they did do with their last quitting attempt and this is just another step to becoming a former smoker and when they are ready to try again, you will help in anyway.

Who Will Be Successful At Stop Smoking?

It was the last night of my 6 week smoking cessation workshop and we were talking about slipping and falling into relapse. One of the members had slipped because she got stuck in traffic and had an "emergency" cigarette in her car. I had said the week before that by having that "safety" cigarette handy, this person was very likely to smoke it when faced with stress. Another participant mentioned that I had been right and did I know who would relapse within this group. While I never know for sure, I've been doing this long enough to know who is likely to slip and where the slippery areas are that they may be blind to. So I went around the group. For this one participant- it was social situations with family and friends--he then told us that he was going on a family vacation in a couple weeks and was worried about enjoying it without his cigarettes. For another--it was concern about gaining weight.The one I was most worried about relapsing was a woman in her 70's who didn't seem to have a strong desire to quit. She was in fairly good health for having smoked so long and I thought that she had an underlying belief that even though smoking had killed many in her family that she could get away with it. However, my thoughts changed when she told us that she had just attended the funeral of a friend that had died from emphysema. The decreased woman had never smoked but got it from being around secondhand smoke. These two women used to go to the casino and play bingo together. Now this participant had a new motivation because it pained her deeply to think that she might have contributed to her friend's death by smoking around her. I think as long as this motivation stay strong within her, she will be successful or she will become a closet smoker and stop smoking around other people.
Some cigarettes are easy to give up and other are more difficult and some craving just come out of the blue. but you only have to give up "one" cigarette. Make the commitment that you are willing to do whatever it takes to avoid having "just" one, because that is the only one you have to avoid and you will be successful.

Stop Smoking: Help for Closet Smokers

When Steve took the trash out, his wife would comment that he smelled like smoke. It was always from a neighbor that he ran into. After Richard's heart surgery, his wife found a pack of cigarettes in his bathrobe. She thought he had quit.

After my cancer experience, even smokers would bug me to quit, after all, I had been treated for cancer. When I relapsed again, I didn't want to hear any comments from my fellow workers, so I would take any opportunity to run errands, so I could smoke.

I was a closet smoker and so are Steve and Richard. They hide their behavior because they do not want their friends and family to nag them about their smoking. Every smoker knows it's bad for their health but the addiction to nicotine is a powerful one.

Don't get angry at the closet smoker, get angry at the product that has caused their addiction. Closet smokers feel a range of emotions from failure and guilt to indignation and self-righteousness. What you don't want to do is escalate the situation. If confronted, the closet smoker will likely tell you to "BUTT OUT!"
But that doesn't mean that they don't want to quit but they don't feel comfortable talking to you about it.

I was a closet smoker and I eventually was able to quit. Steve also quit but unfortunately, Richard died a smoker. So how can you help? There are many ways to help a closet smoker, but nagging isn't one of them.

In my book, "Butt Out" there are many ideas that you can start to help your closet smoker move towards quitting. There are also scripts that give you the words that won't offend, threaten or alienate the person you love.

Believe in progress, not perfection.