Changing Shame and Guilt into Hope and Optimism

What I find so common among those who smoke, is the feelings of either shame and/or guilt. Shame that there is something wrong with me that I don't want to quit smoking knowing that I "should", and/or guilt because I want to and haven't been able to quit. I am certainly familiar with both of those emotions.

I had quit for 2 months the first time I was diagnosed with BC in 1987 when I was 32. I relapsed during chemo, I just couldn't handle the stress--back then they didn't have the anti-nausea drugs they have now and every worst story you have heard about throwing up from chemo is what I went through.

Back then you could smoke anywhere and everyone I knew was on my case to quit--even other smokers would say, "VJ why are you smoking, you've had cancer?" I would just last back at them, "how do you know you don't have cancer?" My anger was just a cover up for my feelings of shame that I just couldn't quit smoking and guilt every time I relapsed. I would be able to go for a couple of months and then bam--I'd relapse. I call myself the Queen of Quitting since I've quit for at least three months--9 times.

Yet the common emotions for those who are now smoke-free is the joy and freedom we feel to have broken through and accomplished our goal of becoming smoke-free---one of the hardest things it is to do in life. Yet those who are successful have travel a journey that others are still taking.

I think of of the most important steps is changing our emotional outlook from shame and guilt to one of hope and optimism---from "I can't do this, I don't want to do this, I don't know how to do this" to: "someday I will be able to do this, I will be able to figure out my path to being smoke-free, I can do this with help and support and it will be there for me as I seek out different options".

Optimism opens doors to inner strengths that often we don't realize we have such as: resilience, creativity, persistence, problem solving, confidence, ingenuity, critical thinking, courage and self-control.

I'm not saying it is easy, I'm just saying- I know you can do it!

"You gotta die of something, might as well be something you enjoy"

After looking at my name tag, a man asked if I was the same VJ who used to go stop smoking classes. When I answered  yes, he said, "You saved my life."

Elliot had been a three pack a day smoker when he took attended a stop smoking workshop I did in January 1993. He smoked three packs a day and needed heart surgery and they were going to amputate his leg due to lack of circulation. His doctor wouldn't operate until Elliot quit smoking, so he was at the class so he could quit long enough to have his surgery and then Elliot fully expected to return to his beloved cigarettes.

"Do you remember what you said me all those years ago?" he asked.

"Yes, you told me, "You gotta die of something" and I told you, "Yes, but yours would be a long slow painful death as they just keep cutting parts off of you."

Elliot said he never forgot those words. He quit, had his surgery and was able to keep his leg. Twenty years later he knows he would not be here today if he had continued to smoke. He has married, has been traveling the world and started making pottery. He looks at all the wonderful things in his life today that smoking would have deprived him.

The lesson is not look at what you are giving up, Elliot loved smoking, but look at what you might miss out by not living so long; plus how do you want to live your last years of life? Disabled from smoking or healthy and enjoying life?

Why is it so hard to quit smoking?

Becoming smoke free can be one of the hardest changes one makes in their life, but why is it so hard?

For true change to happen it is only possible when the desire to become smoke-free is stronger than the desire to continue smoking and when the smoker has the tools, skills and self-knowledge, that build self-confidence, to take effective action.

Every former smoker will tell nobody quits until they really want to quit, until then it's a struggle. Yet 70% of smokers will say they "want to quit" but in reality, what they want is to continue getting their perceived benefits from smoking (stress relief, enjoyment) and want to avoid the negative consequences (cancer ete.). They want their cake and want to eat it too--but you can't have both. The popularity of the e-cig is that this is the promise they are making. The only problem is they can't back up their promise because no one knows the long term health effects from using the e-cig. To build desire the "WHY: of becoming smoke-free is most important.

When the benefits from smoking are compared with the negatives of trying to quitting, the cigarettes win out but when becoming smoke-free is MORE important than continuing to smoke, the method will appear because the smoker will seek out the tools, skills and self-knowledge that are needed to go through the process of changing to a life of being smoke-free. 

After having a strong "why", the next part is the "how-to" part. Often smoking is considered part of our "self-care" especially when dealing with stress, fear, anxiety. When everything is falling apart, our "friends" are still there to offer comfort. Smoking is a low-effort coping strategy and if like most smokers you have started as a teen--you haven't developed other effective coping strategies because smoking has always been there and has worked. Part of the struggle is to develop other "self-care" techniques but often they require more effort than just lighting up. This differs for every smoker and the tools, skills and self- knowledge.

Allan Carr's book, "The Easy Way to Quit Smoking" is great for motivation because he takes every argument used to continue smoking and rips it apart. He works on the WHY to quit, but not the HOW to quit. In over 20 years of working with smokers, as soon as the WHY to quit is stronger than the desire to continue to smoke, the rest is just gaining the tools, skills and self-knowledge.  This builds confidence and when a smoker feels they have the ability to succeed, they will take effective action. 

Effective action means having a plan in place to deal with the many different aspects of smoking and not relying on just one method to quit. Some smokers are more physically addicted than others and may need medicinal therapy. Habit cigarettes require behavior modification, stress cigarettes require effective stress management. 

As a Tobacco Treatment Specialist, my job is to help a smoker develop the desire, figure out what tools, and skills are needed through self-knowledge and how to develop an effective action plan. 

Why Can Some Smokers Just Quit?

Some ex-smokers will say that one day they just decided to quit and they did, walked away from their cigarettes and never had another puff. It's like a light switch being turned on, going from not wanting to quit smoking to becoming a former smoker. For some smokers when that light switch turns on, they are more likely to stay quit than if they decide to delay quitting by making a plan, they do just walk away from their cigarettes. So how can this help someone who is struggling to quit?

There are several components to turning on the light switch to quit: beliefs, past experiences and current environmental situations. Often it is the unconscious motivations and beliefs that are brought to light by something going on currently in the life of the smoker that tips the balance and flips the switch. So instead of struggling to quit, a smoker can focus on these components and make them a strong force in their life and one day, the light switch may just flip on for them too.

Beliefs: Often smokers will focus on what they can't or are unwilling to do instead of what they can do. Smokers need to have the confidence or belief that they can be successful at quitting and there are 3 ways to increase that confidence level:

1. Take an baby action step with something that you are willing and able to do. You don't need to make the giant leap to quitting, but start with something simple that you have no resistance to such as reading different quitting tips but with no expectation of implementing anything. Or starting to smoke only outside instead of inside your home or car. Leaving your pack in the other room instead of next to you. What are you willing to do? Now do it.
2. Watch ex-smokers-what did they do when they quit? Most will be more than willing to share how they quit. Find someone that you admire, and ask them questions, sometimes this won't be a close friend because often former smokers will keep you at a distance because you smoke, even if they don't say anything to you.
3. Listen to encouraging words from a trusted person. Unfortunately, most smokers don't get words of encouragement, they are nagged, shamed and blamed for their smoking. Find someone who will tell you that you can be successful when you're ready and tell those who nag you that they are only increasing the urge to smoke, if only in defiance. If you can't think of anyone, then call one of the free state-sponsored quit-lines that have trained professionals that will encourage you.

Past Experiences: A powerful tool is to write a goodbye letter to your cigarettes, telling them what they have meant to you, how they have helped you in certain situations, what they have contributed to your life and how they have harmed you.

Current environment situations: For many, the economy is a major issue, think how much money you would save by quitting. Different cities and states are regulating where a person can smoke, how is this impacting you? Some employers are going smoke-free, how does this affect you? Ask your doctor to explain in detail what smoking is doing to your body and how will your body improve if you quit? What else is happening in your world that affects you and how does this relate to your smoking?

By taking even small steps in looking at your relationship to your cigarettes, will help build that state of mind that ultimately will lead to success. Believe in progress, not perfection and the day will come when the light turns on for you too.

How Do You "Stick To It" When the Going Get Tough When Quitting Smoking?

Quitting smoking is one of the hardest things that many individuals will do in their lifetime. Why do some people seem to have what it takes to stop smoking and not relapse? Or the opposite side of the same coin, why do some smokers relapse? What is it the makes one quitter successful and the other slip comfortably back to smoking?
When your reason(s) for wanting to be a non-smoker are more important to you than your reasons why you enjoy smoking, and you are be able to say, "I'll willing to do whatever it takes to quit." At that moment, your bond to nicotine is broken, then it's just figuring out what it takes to modify some behaviors and learning new coping strategies. It's the change in attitude from, "I don't want to quit." to "I'd like to quit but...." to finally, "I want (fill in the blank.....) and to me, that is more important than a cigarette, so I will do what eve it takes to figure out how to avoid, not all cigarettes but that first one that will lead to all the rest. How do you stop from having a cigarette in each moment, not forever but each moment. When the thought of smoking occurs, do you romance it and continue the fantasy that you can smoke without consequences? Or do you change the way you think about smoking and make the decision to change your behavior, that you don't have to automatically give in to a craving or a wanting for a cigarette but you can choose to do something else becuase whatever it is that you really want (ie.. good health, more money, better role model for children...) is important enough to figure out a way to avoid that first cigarette. Rmember you're a puff away from a pack a day.

The 5 "R's" to Helping Motivate A Smoker to Quit

If you have a smoker in your life that you have been trying to get them to quit by nagging, blaming and shaming, BUTT OUT. Those tactics don't work, if they did, no one would be smoking since every smoker has at least one person nagging them. Instead, listen to the smoker and keep these 5 "R's" in mind. This list was originally a remind for healthcare workers when talking to their patients, so adapt the framework to fit your situation with the smoker in your life. If you are a smoker, take the time to make your own list:

1. Relevance: Provide information that has the greatest impact on the patient’s disease status, family or social situation (e.g., children and second-hand smoke), health concerns, age or gender.

2. Risks:

• Acute risks: shortness of breath, exacerbation of asthma, harm to pregnancy, impotence, infertility, increased blood carbon monoxide, bacterial pneumonia; increased risk for surgery
• Long-term risks: heart attacks, strokes, lung and other cancers, chronic obstructive pulmonary diseases, long-term disability and need for extended care
• Environmental risks: increased risks of lung cancer and heart disease in spouses; higher rate of smoking by children of tobacco users; increased risk of low birth weight babies, SIDS, asthma, middle ear disease, and respiratory infections in children of smokers

3. Rewards: Highlight benefits most relevant to the patient, such as better health, improved sense of taste and smell, money saved, good example for children, more physically fit, and reduced wrinkling and aging of skin.

4. Roadblocks: Ask the patient to identify barriers to quitting, such as withdrawal symptoms, fear of failure, weight gain, lack of support and depression. Note elements of cessation treatment, such as problem solving or pharmacotherapy.

5. Repetition: Repeat the motivational intervention each time the patient has an office visit. Let the patient know that most people make repeated attempts to quit before they are finally successful.

Changing the Way you Think about Cigarettes to Help You Stop Smoking

In a workshop during the time of 9-11, one woman had quit and her husband continued to smoke. She said, "Every time I see his pack of cigarettes, I just think that this is 20 little terrorists trying to kill me."It is important to change the way you think about smoking and cigarettes. Often smokers feel deprived when they quit or that they are losing a best friend. Instead of deprivation or loss, start thinking of what you are gaining, such as better health, smell better, food tastes better, becoming a better role model for you children, providing a healthier environment for your family.For another woman, every time a craving came up, she said to herself, "Oh, that's something I used to do but I don't need cigarettes anymore." As she said this, she imagined the glowing cherry of the cigarette on he sleeve and she brushed it away.Stop thinking of what you are giving up, but how much better your life is without cigarettes being in control.

97 Reasons to Quit Smoking

As if it is hard to think of reasons to quit, this site has some new and usual reasons such as it is an excuse to play computer games, save water by having to wash your clothes less often to rid them of the smell and save trees because they are being cut to make space for tobacco plants, and one of my favorites- broaden your dating options since many non-smokers will not date a smoker. This happened to my brother who had been acquainted with a woman smoker but didn't consider dating her until she quit smoking! For the full article:

http://www.health.com/health/condition-section/0,,20209134,00.html

The Last Resort to Quit Smoking

Yesterday I received a phone call from a woman looking for a referral to a hypnotist to quit smoking. I told her that every method will work for some but no method works for everyone but I don't make recommendations for hypnosis. The smokers that come to my workshop all say the same thing, "I've tried everything to quit and nothing works." I get all the smokers that every method-- hypnosis, acupuncture, medications or even Peruvian amulets--don't work. My approach is that change comes from the inside out, not from an external devise. Often smokers are looking for a magic wand which is, "You do something to me so that I don't have to work at changing." Just like dieters who go on a diet, only to regain their weight when they stop the diet, to be successful, new lifestyle choices need to be incorporated into the person's life. For any change to be successful, there are several key components: desire--you have to want something more than you want the old habit, Beliefs-You have to believe that you can be successful, Fears-You need to address the fears that are holding you back from making the change you want, Education--what do you need to know to get to where you want to go?, Action--practicing new habits feels awkward at first. What pulls it all together is Commitment--Are you willing to do whatever it takes to quit? Most smokers are not willing, they want the easy way out, they are unprepared for how hard it can be to resist even one cigarette. My workshops are based around these components--building a solid foundation first of desire, and self serving beliefs, addressing fears, knowledge of self and correct action. I believe that every smoker can be successful given a personalized plan that they can follow. Tell me where you are having problems and I will address them.

Optimistic Bias towards Quitting Smoking

Often non-smokers will say to a smoker,
"Don't you know that smoking causes lung cancer?" (Or one of the other horrible diseases that smoking is link to).
Oh course the smoker knows this information but unfortunately, information alone is insufficient to change behavior. Too many smokers have an optimistic bias that they will be one of the ones to escape damage from smoking or that they will quit before any damage is done. The first step to quitting is to build desire and that stems from a conflict in values that the smoker deems important. One of the worst things that happens is when the smoker visits his or her doctor and the doctor says,
"You're lungs sound fine." What the smoker hears is that their smoking has done no damage. Instead of loading the smoker up with "information", listen to what is really important in their life and see if it is in conflict with smoking. Yesterday, a client, Steve, was talking to me about his friend, Eric, who smokes. Steven had quit smoking years ago and asked Eric if he had a death wish by continuing to smoke. I told Steve that was his reason for quitting but it might not be a good reason for Eric. Eric teaches music at a local organization. I told Steve that what might work better is to ask Eric what kind of role model he is providing to his students if they knew he was smoking. Eric values his relationship with his students and that might be more motivating that focusing on the health effects. To build desire, focus on what is important to the smoker instead of just giving them information.

Building Desire to Stop Smoking, when all you want is another cigarette

uihzpEvery successful quitter has several attributes in common. First, they want to quit and are motivated. Even is they like to smoke, there is something that they want that is more important than continuing to smoke. But so many smokers will say that they don't want to quit. As they say: "You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink."

The trick is to make the horse thirsty and help remove the obstacles so he can identify that he is thirsty. Wanting or desiring something is the first step to getting anything in life, this is also true for smokers. Until a smoker wants to quit or has a glimmer of a desire, they will not stop smoking. It isn’t important whether it is a desire to stop smoking or if the smoker identifies something that is more important or valuable to them that is in direct conflict with their smoking, either way, the horse becomes thirsty.