How do I stop cigarette smoking when my spouse refuses to give up using tobacco in the dwelling?

How do I stop cigarette smoking when my spouse refuses to give up using tobacco in 
the dwelling?

It certainly can be difficult to quit smoking when temptation is all around you  but it is possible. Until  now both of you have been able to smoke in the house and by asking your partner to change the rules of the house, could cause resentment. Your spouse has been happy with being able to smoke anywhere and now because you want to change your behavior, you're asking your partner to change as well. 

Change is hard even when you want to change but if someone else is demanding you change, resistant builds up. 

So the first step is how you approach your mate with your request for help. Clarify your reasons for wanting to be smoke-free. Is it for your health, for the health of your children, to save money? Once you have clarified why it is so important to you, then ask your spouse for their help in achieving your goal: 

"It's really important for me to quit smoking because.....(name your most important reasons).....and I need your help. I'm not asking you to quit smoking but I'm asking if you can help me quit. I am really tempted to smoke when you smoke around me, so I'm asking if you will help me by...... "

Then negotiate. Will your partner:

1. Not leave their cigarettes and ashtray around  the house?

2. Not smoke around you?

3. Only smoke in one room of the house?

If your partner refuses to change their smoking behavior in any way, you then must change the way you response. 

1. Leave the room when your spouse lights up. 

2. Resolve to not smoke even though temptation is sitting next to you but making your reason to become smoke-free, more important than the temporary benefit of lighting up. 

Will this be easy?--NO! But it can be done. Work with a Tobacco Treatment Specialist to develop a plan that includes avoiding temptation in your home. This may include combination medications to lessen your cravings and withdrawals and cognitive-behavioral therapy to change your reactions to being around a smoker. 

A more important question to ask yourself is-- why is your spouse not supporting you in something that is really important to you and may even want to sabotage you? Are there other areas in your life where your spouse is also not supporting you? This resistant to help you achieve your goal maybe an indication of a deeper problem within your relationship and counseling, either together or you alone may be needed to resolve this issue. 

Should couples quit together?

In a relationship where both are smokers, three things can happen:

1. Both really want to quit.

2. One wants to quit and the other does not.

3. One wants to quit and while the other really isn't ready to quit, but they go along with their mate.

For the best chance at success, you need to decide to quit for yourself regardless of the decision of your partner.  When Don and Susan quit together, Don was excited about being smoke-free but when Susan would come home from having lunch with friends and smelled like smoke, he questioned whether she really had quit. She hadn't, she just stopped smoking around her husband.

It's important to talk to your partner about what if one is successful and the other isn't or just isn't motivated to quit.  One common feature of everyone who relapses is that cigarettes are readily available and if you live with a smoker, a pack is always right there. A discussion might include how the smoker can still be supportive of the other's attempt to become smoke-free. What mutual boundaries can be established? As much as the quitter wants the other to join them in being smoke-free, it is a very individual choice and you can't force someone to be in a different step in the process than where they are.