Changing Shame and Guilt into Hope and Optimism

What I find so common among those who smoke, is the feelings of either shame and/or guilt. Shame that there is something wrong with me that I don't want to quit smoking knowing that I "should", and/or guilt because I want to and haven't been able to quit. I am certainly familiar with both of those emotions.

I had quit for 2 months the first time I was diagnosed with BC in 1987 when I was 32. I relapsed during chemo, I just couldn't handle the stress--back then they didn't have the anti-nausea drugs they have now and every worst story you have heard about throwing up from chemo is what I went through.

Back then you could smoke anywhere and everyone I knew was on my case to quit--even other smokers would say, "VJ why are you smoking, you've had cancer?" I would just last back at them, "how do you know you don't have cancer?" My anger was just a cover up for my feelings of shame that I just couldn't quit smoking and guilt every time I relapsed. I would be able to go for a couple of months and then bam--I'd relapse. I call myself the Queen of Quitting since I've quit for at least three months--9 times.

Yet the common emotions for those who are now smoke-free is the joy and freedom we feel to have broken through and accomplished our goal of becoming smoke-free---one of the hardest things it is to do in life. Yet those who are successful have travel a journey that others are still taking.

I think of of the most important steps is changing our emotional outlook from shame and guilt to one of hope and optimism---from "I can't do this, I don't want to do this, I don't know how to do this" to: "someday I will be able to do this, I will be able to figure out my path to being smoke-free, I can do this with help and support and it will be there for me as I seek out different options".

Optimism opens doors to inner strengths that often we don't realize we have such as: resilience, creativity, persistence, problem solving, confidence, ingenuity, critical thinking, courage and self-control.

I'm not saying it is easy, I'm just saying- I know you can do it!

Do the cravings (for nicotine) ever stop?

A. has been quit for 6 months yet she still gets cravings just as strong as the first day she quit. She asks,

"Will it ever get better or will it a battle forever?"

You need to stay vigilant and work on changing your self talk. When a craving comes up--if you keep saying--"this is just like day one" and questioning if it will ever get better--that thought process can lead you back. Instead reframe it to: "I've made it 6 months and most of the time, it is easier but since I'm still having craving, maybe there is something more to learn about my addiction to nicotine." Then see if you can trace back your thoughts to what trigger it in the beginning. After 6 months, it's probably not a "habit" cigarette but one that is attached to strong emotions, (positive or negative) and/or stress. 
This is an activity from my book  How To Win at Quitting Smoking:

Activity: Five steps to train your brain to think of smoking in a different way.

You need to recondition your brain to stop the automatic thoughts that nicotine has planted. It takes time. If you only change your behavior and not your thinking, you may relapse or turn to something else such as food.
Write these five steps down on a card and carry them with you. Whenever a craving comes up use these steps to change what you tell yourself when you think about smoking or have a craving. You can use these steps when you first quit and at any time in the future:
1. “I’m having a desire to smoke right now.” Having a desire to smoke is normal and the craving will go away whether or not you smoke. Just let it run its course.
2. “I can smoke at any time, I’m not deprived.” Nobody is taking your cigarettes away from you. It is your choice and you are working towards what you really want and it’s not the cigarette. Remember what smoking is depriving you of that is more important: money, health, freedom.
3. “I’m a puff away from a pack a day.” It’s easy to fall into the trap of having “just one”. Do not kid yourself.
4. “Right now I have a choice to make for myself. Either I give in to this temporary discomfort and go back to the constant misery of smoking, or I can accept this temporary discomfort and work through it for (. . . name one of your Benefits of Becoming Smoke-Free).”
5. “At this moment, I willingly accept this temporary discomfort because I want (. . . then list your Benefits of Becoming Smoke-Free).” Focus on what you truly want.


You always have a choice! When a craving comes up, you will always have two choices:
• You work through it and remain smoke-free, or
• You slip and smoke a cigarette. 
If you choose the latter, again you have two choices:
• You resolve to remain smoke-free and learn from the slip, or
• You blame yourself, beat yourself up, feel guilty and smoke another cigarette.
If you choose the latter, your next two choices are:
• You renew your resolve to become smoke-free and start anew, or
• You relapse and become a smoker again. Realize you need to work on your motivation, make changes in your Action Plan and/or set another Quit Date when you’re ready.
You can choose to see a slip as a failure or as a learning experience. You can choose to let the events of your life control you, or you can take control of your life. The choices you make are determined by who you think you are, and the benefits and expectations you bring to the situation.

I just turned 50, had a physical and my doctor says I'm in great health. Why should I quit?

It is common to believe that you are one of the "lucky" ones who can smoke without it doing any physical damage, especially when hearing something like this from your doctor. Or believing that when your doctor listens to your chest and says, "Your lungs sound fine", thinking this means smoking has done no damage. This is called having an "optimistic bias".

The average life expectancy for men is 76 and for women 80. Smokers die about 10 years earlier than non-smokers. But since we all have to die of something, it might as well be something you enjoy -right?

Age 45 to 50 seems to be the tipping point. What your doctor should say is, "How do you want to live the last 20 years of your life? If you stop now, you will probably stay healthy and be able to continue doing the activities you enjoy most. However, if you keep smoking, you will probably end up disabled from heart disease, cancer, stroke, or emphysema."

Here is a graph that shows the progression of lung function decline of smokers, non-smokers and quitters leading to disability and ultimately death.

Click here to read the complete article. 

The truth is that no one who smokes is healthy. Fifty percent of all smokers will die from their addiction but almost all will develop some type of disability from smoking. The problem isn't that you will die too young from smoking but you will live too long suffering from a horrible debilitating disease. So quit now while there is still time to stay healthy. Turn your optimistic bias into believing that if you do quit, you will continue to be healthy but if you continue to smoke, you will suffer the disabling effects.

The #1 secret to quitting smoking

I'm asked all the time what is the one thing I would say to smokers who want to quit. The answer I want to say is to tell me more about the smoker and I will tell you what that smoker wants to hear but everybody is different. Every smoker is connected to their cigarettes in different ways and it will take different methods to become successful.

However, what every successful smoker has in common is that they truly desire to become smoke-free and quit smoking. They don't feel they have to, no one is forcing them, they are quitting because they WANT TO.

Which is the key to success: want to quit smoking more than you want to continue smoking. I can already hear you saying, "But I really do want to quit!" But is there that small voice in your head saying, "But I enjoy smoking too."?

Smokers often have a love/hate relationship with cigarettes. It is like any other bad relationship: sometimes it seems easier to stay than to go through the process of changing. So with cigarettes it is time to make the decision for a divorce.

Make two lists: things you enjoy about smoking and things you enjoy about being smoke-free. Spend time thinking about what being smoke-free means to you. More time to spend with your family or doing things you enjoy instead of constantly being a slave to your cigarettes. More money to spend. More freedom. No more searching for a place to smoke or feeling like a pariah. What are your values? is smoking preventing you from really embracing your values: as a parent and role model, as someone who values the ability to be physically independent, valuing freedom and the right to make your own decisions instead of being controlled by nicotine?

On the other hand, what do you truly enjoy about smoking? Do you enjoy the stench of stale tobacco smoke? Spending money only to burn it up? Lying to yourself that it relieves your stress when actually all it is doing is relieving your withdrawal symptoms and adding to your stress.

Once your reasons to be smoke-free are more important that another cigarette, you will find the method that will work for you. It will also get you through the months ahead when nicotine is calling you again for just one more time.  But when wanting to quit is the more important, you can tell that cigarette that you've moved on and there is no going back.

Shame and guilt keep smokers smoking

Often what keeps smokers smoking is either shame or guilt or both. As a coach, I never want to add to either emotion with my clients. Shame is "there is something wrong with me (that's why I can't quit)". Guilt is "I'm doing something wrong (but I don't know how to stop)". I remember feeling both after my first cancer diagnosis---even smokers would bug me to quit--"VJ, why are you smoking, you've had cancer?" This was back in the late '80's and I would get mad because even though I wanted to quit, I didn't know how and because I had tried and failed so many times, I figured something is wrong with me. The last time I relapsed, I became a closet smoker--nobody knew I had gone back to smoking because I just didn't want to hear any remarks. Finally at a 4th of July party, I couldn't stand it anymore and I lite up. You could hear the disappointment in a friends voice when she said, "but you were doing so well."---not really I had been smoking for months, she just didn't know it.

So  when my quitters talk to others about quitting, I suggest they say--"If I can quit, there is hope for you too, I know you can be successful, when you're ready"--instead of "If I can do it, you can too"---just a slightly different phrasing but the impact can be great. Haven't we all heard some "holier than thou" former smokers bellow--"If I can quit, ANYBODY can quit" and in the back of our minds we're thinking--not me, I've tried and I can't, which increases feelings of shame and/or guilt.

I do believe that anybody can quit--but the timing needs to be right, there needs to be sufficient motivation and desire, there is a re-learning process where the person is going to feel uncomfortable as they are learning to live without smoking and sometimes it doesn't seem worth the effort to learn high effort coping skills when low effort smoking works so well for us. There is physical addiction to deal with as well as emotional ties and habits.

Building Hope

A large woman walked into my presentation in Hawaii. Both legs were bandaged due to circulatory problems from her diabetes. A two + pack a day smoker, she admitted she had never gone an hour without a smoke break. Her doctor had given up on her ever quitting and allowed her to leave in the middle of her medical appointments to go grab a smoke. She stayed and listened to the entire hour plus presentation. At the end she came up with a hug  and a kiss for me stating, "I've never gone an hour without smoking but you've given me hope that I can quit".

I never give up on any smoker, regardless of their struggle, I just don't expect them to quit immediately. I believe in the process, taking one step at a time and this was her first step--showing up to a stop smoking class when no one else thought she would, lasting an hour without her cigarettes and seeing that the road might be difficult but with one step, followed by another step, she could learn how to become a non-smoker.

Research shows that the attitude of a healthcare provider can influence the outcome with patients, which is the reason why in double-blind drug studies, neither the patient nor the person dispensing the drug, know who gets the real drug and who gets the placebo. Going cold turkey, just putting the cigarettes and walking away without any help, yields a 4 -6% success rate after 6 months. But by participating in a drug study for cessation medications, the success rate for those individuals taking the placebo is about 14% across the board. In both situations, cold turkey and receiving the placebo, the patient is not receiving any medication--so why the difference in quit rates? It could be because the patient is interacting with another person or because the patient believes they are receiving the true medication. Something, either the belief in a pill or just talking to the person dispensing the pills, leads this person to believe that quitting may be possible-hope is involved.

When this woman left my presentation, I congratulated her for avoiding smoking for just one hour and I encouraged her to try it again, and again, and again, until she felt comfortable and then on to the next step. Instead of believing that every smoker needs to quit-NOW, believe in progress, no matter how small the step. To that smoker, that baby step is huge but without encourage, disappointment can set in that it wasn't longer.

Never give up on any patient. Quitting can be done, it's not easy. It may be two steps forward and one step back, but progress is being made.

Time to think of nicotine addiction in a different way

Last night was graduation for the participants in my smoking cessation workshop. All had quit smoking for varying lengths of time from a couple of days to two months. For most, it had been three weeks but a common thread was, "Why is it still so hard? Why do I still have cravings? Why doesn't it seem to be getting any easier?"
Those comments are an example of still thinking of smoking as just a bad habit to be broken instead of the true physical addiction that it is. I have worked with many recovering alcoholics and substance abusers that have told me that it was easier to quit alcohol, heroin, cocaine or whatever their drug of choice was, compared with trying to quit smoking--it is often the toughest addiction to overcome. For other addictive substances, it seems quite acceptable for the addict to go into rehab for 28 days, insurance will even pay for it. Once released, the advice is 90 meetings (AA, NA) in 90 days. So for other addictive substances it is recognized that the addict needs support and help for at least the first 4 months, yet when it comes to nicotine addiction, the effects are expected to disappear within a short period of time.
My quitters  agreed that when a craving did pop up, it wasn't as intense or as often as they had experience on their first or second day of quitting. They also agreed that for some behaviors, it was getting easier. Certain habit cigarettes such as answering the phone, drinking coffee and driving, were getting easier because they had the tools in place and had practiced now for three weeks. It is unrealistic to think that after 40 or 50 years of smoking, that the addiction will disappear in a very short period of time.
 It's time to think of nicotine addiction in a different way. Nicotine is more addicting and harder to quit than alcohol and other substances. So obviously it is much more than just a bad habit where the smoker just puts the cigarette down, walks away and is done with smoking. Put into this context, after three weeks, these quitters are still in rehab and still have a ways to go before becoming former smokers. Right now they are smokers who are choosing not to smoke, working their way to a life without nicotine. It is a journey and a process, not a one time event.

Beware the Saboteur

Often a smokers best meaning friends and family are their worst enemy when trying to quit. Smokers need support and encouragement, but our supporters often are saboteurs instead. On Franks first day, his wife asked how he did that day. Frank, a two pack a day smoker, admitted that he smoked two cigarettes. Instead of congratulating him on not smoking of the other thirty eight, she focused on his weakness and jumped all over him for smoking the two.
Many smokers have quit for varying lengths of time, only to relapse back into their regular smoking patterns and at the same time hear, "You were doing so good, I can't believe you're smoking again". What the smoker hears is "What's wrong with you?" A better response is, "Wow, you quit for (X period of time), that's great! You probably learned a lot that you can build on the next time you  quit. You  overcame a lot to quit for that period of time and I know that the next time you'll do even better! Keep up the good work."
When working with smokers, I never focus on the negative behavior but always something positive. Quitting smoking is one of the hardest things a person ever does and only needs positive encouragement because they beat themselves down more than anyone else ever could, why add to it? A smoker can tell you every time they fail, they slip, they relapse because they focus on the negative or what they did wrong instead of focusing on what they have done right. By believing they must be perfect instead of believing in progress, the smoker becames his own saboteur.
Help a smoker with positive encouragement by saying,
"You're doing great!"
"I know you're struggling, how can I help?"
"So what that you slipped, look at how many times you didn't slip!"
"I know you'll be successful when you're ready."
"I know it's hard finding the right tools to quit, so what if (whatever was tried) didn't work, you're moving in the right direction because I know you'll find what will work for you. Just don't give up looking."

What works and what doesn't work?

I'm approached all the time to sell products that claim to help a smoker quit. One company claimed that cravings would vanish by smelling a cinnamon scented wand. In a very unscientific experiment, I gave them out to all of the participants in one of my workshops. One third said that the wands did remove the craving, one third said the wands did nothing and one third said smelling the wand caused an increase in cravings. Another man swore that when he rubbed a Peruvian amulet, his cravings went away.
I firmly believe that regardless of how outlandish a quitting method seems, that every method will work for some, but no method works for everyone. Some products will work because of the placebo effect, which if the user believes strongly that a method will work for them, then with the power of their own mind, they will be successful. So when a client will ask about any alternative method used for quitting, I have to admit that I am biased. I've been facilitating cessation classes for 19 years and I often hear, "This class is my last resort--I've tried everything and nothing works." (which includes acupuncture, & hypnosis). The individuals that attend my classes are the ones that have tried all the other methods and products and found they didn't work.

So what does work? Smokers are like individual snowflakes, each connected to their cigarettes in various ways. So instead of endorsing any particular product or method, I encourage smokers examine how they relate to their cigarettes. When do they smoke? What habits are associated with smoking? What physical effects do they feel when quitting? By looking at how they are connected to their cigarettes, will tell them what aspect they need to work on to be successful and often it is not just one aspect but many.

Rather than spending money for products claiming to be a magic wand to quit but probably won't work, except to line the manufacturer's pocket with the smoker's money, practice changing one aspect of smoking. Break one habit, such as not smoking in the car anymore, only smoking outside. Practice going outside for a smoke break with your friends but don't smoke. Talk to your doctor about different medications, it may take trial and error to find a combination that works for the individual.

Turning the Fears of Quitting into Confidence of Becoming Smoke Free

Fear often holds a smoker back from even trying to quit. I remember being afraid of success, "If I quitting smoking, What will I do?" Smoking has become part of our identity, "Who am I, if I'm not a smoker?" Others have tried to quit so many times that there is a fear of another failure. The fear of gaining weight will stop some smokers, especially women, from ever trying to stop smoking. Other fears include how to handle stress without smoking, fear of pain from withdrawals, fear of being out of control and many others.
But very quickly, within a few weeks, after a smoker has quit, the smoker feels like a non-smoker and the fears present before have evaporated. A successful quitter will replace quitting fears with the fear of relapse but instead, smokers get cocky and think "I can control my smoking", or "One won't hurt". Often quitters have a selective memory, "It wasn't that hard to quit." All of these thoughts are early warning signs of slipping right back into full time smoking. Because the one fear that most smokers underestimate or overlook should be the fear of the power of addiction to nicotine. No other drug is as additive as nicotine but when speaking of addiction, it's not the intoxication of a drug but how fast the drug creates changes within the brain structure of the user--and nicotine beats all drugs in that category.
So when quitting, confront the different fears that arise, there are solutions to every problem but don't give up the fear of relapsing. See that one cigarette as your greatest enemy to what it is that you truly want-a healthy, smoke free life.

Myths about Snus and smokeless tobacco

The new tactic of the tobacco companies is to promote smokeless tobacco and snus as a way to quit smoking but those forms of tobacco are dangerous too. Here are some myths taken from: http://oralcancernews.org/wp/

Debunking the myths
Myth: Smokeless tobacco products are a safe alternative to tobacco smoking.
Fact: Here is the bottom line–smokeless is not harmless. The list of serious illnesses connected to any form of smokeless tobacco is almost too long to print, but includes mouth cancer, cancer of the pancreas, tooth loss, and bone loss around the roots of teeth.

Myth: Smokeless tobacco contains less nicotine than cigarettes.
Fact: The amount of nicotine absorbed from a can of spit tobacco is equal to the amount delivered by three to four packs of cigarettes. Nicotine is absorbed more slowly from smokeless tobacco than from cigarettes, but more nicotine per dose is absorbed from smokeless tobacco than from cigarettes. Also, the nicotine stays in the bloodstream longer.

Myth: Nicotine and all the other poisons disappear when you spit out the tobacco.
Fact: When chewers place snuff or smokeless tobacco in their mouth, cheek, or lip, they give nicotine a free pass to do its nasty thing. A high dose of nicotine enters the bloodstream and is then carried throughout the body. It takes its toll on many parts of the body, including the heart and blood vessels, hormones, metabolism, and brain.

Myth: A little dip or chew won’t hurt–it’s a harmless habit!
Fact: Even a little smokeless tobacco has enough nicotine in it to get a user hooked, if he keeps using it. Smokeless tobacco contains nicotine, the same drug that makes cigarettes addictive. Holding an average size dip or chew in the mouth for 30 minutes delivers as much nicotine as about three cigarettes. Some smokeless tobacco users sleep with it in their mouths so they keep getting nicotine through the night. That’s an addiction, not a habit.

Myth: Smokeless tobacco use will improve your social and romantic life.
Fact: Just the opposite! Chewing and dipping carry a heavy social price, especially when it comes to dating. Bad breath, ugly gum disease, and stained teeth are universally unappealing. The bulging cheeks, gunk stuck in the mouth, and spitting required by most smokeless tobacco is hardly date-bait. Surgery for oral cancer can result in removal of parts of the face, tongue, cheek or lip, a difficult scenario for a great love connection.

Myth: Americans are getting the message that smokeless does not equal harmless.
Fact: If grades were given for this sort of thing, the Nation’s spit tobacco grade would be a barely passing grade of “D.” Rates of spit tobacco use by high school males are high. Nationally, about one in seven high school males currently use spit or smokeless tobacco products, and in some states that number is one out of four.

For the total Department of Defense male population, the rate of smokeless tobacco use is 21.6 percent, significantly exceeding the rate in the general population.

Myth: If you spit for five years or less you won’t get cancer or heart disease.
Fact: Research reported at the Mayo Clinic and other well-respected organizations indicates that any amount of smokeless tobacco use is dangerous, regardless of whether it’s used for a few years or a decade. Smokeless tobacco users have a greater risk for oral cancer than non-users. Oral cancer can form in as little as five years of regular use.

Myth: Smokeless tobacco is easy to give up–you can quit any time you want to.
Fact: Since smokeless tobacco contains nicotine, it’s as addictive as a cigarette, and users will experience the same withdrawal symptoms. These are usually strongest the first week after quitting. The worst is over after two weeks.

We Don't Want Our Kids to Smoke

Mary's father started her smoking at 16 because he thought it made her look sophisticated, now at 70, she finds it almost impossible to quit.
We've come a long way baby, from an attitude like Mary's father yet even today when a teenager is caught with cigarettes, that parent breathes a sign of relief that it wasn't something stronger, "It's just cigarettes, a right of a passage instead of drugs". Yet cigarettes are more likely to kill the kid that starts smoking than all of the other addictive drugs put together. Our brains don't fully develop until we're in our 20's and the younger a smoker starts, the more likely they develop changes to the structure of brain caused by the exposure to nicotine which is "addiction". It would seem that as a society we would want to protect our children from access to nicotine. Yet sales to minors happen all the time, from the mom and pop stores to the big name box stores, all have sold cigarettes to minors at one time or another. A local store in La Quinta was cited for selling individual cigarettes. Even the tobacco companies don't want single cigarette sales, because with no warning label on singles,the tobacco companies are open to lawsuits claiming the smoker might not have known of the dangers of smoking. That's the real reason why there is a warning label on every pack. But warning labels aren't enough to stop a teen with that optimistic bias that nothing bad will ever happen and that he will live forever. It's time for society to recognize cigarettes for what they are: an addiction delivery devise and not just a right of passage.

Why Can Some Smokers Just Quit?

Some ex-smokers will say that one day they just decided to quit and they did, walked away from their cigarettes and never had another puff. It's like a light switch being turned on, going from not wanting to quit smoking to becoming a former smoker. For some smokers when that light switch turns on, they are more likely to stay quit than if they decide to delay quitting by making a plan, they do just walk away from their cigarettes. So how can this help someone who is struggling to quit?

There are several components to turning on the light switch to quit: beliefs, past experiences and current environmental situations. Often it is the unconscious motivations and beliefs that are brought to light by something going on currently in the life of the smoker that tips the balance and flips the switch. So instead of struggling to quit, a smoker can focus on these components and make them a strong force in their life and one day, the light switch may just flip on for them too.

Beliefs: Often smokers will focus on what they can't or are unwilling to do instead of what they can do. Smokers need to have the confidence or belief that they can be successful at quitting and there are 3 ways to increase that confidence level:

1. Take an baby action step with something that you are willing and able to do. You don't need to make the giant leap to quitting, but start with something simple that you have no resistance to such as reading different quitting tips but with no expectation of implementing anything. Or starting to smoke only outside instead of inside your home or car. Leaving your pack in the other room instead of next to you. What are you willing to do? Now do it.
2. Watch ex-smokers-what did they do when they quit? Most will be more than willing to share how they quit. Find someone that you admire, and ask them questions, sometimes this won't be a close friend because often former smokers will keep you at a distance because you smoke, even if they don't say anything to you.
3. Listen to encouraging words from a trusted person. Unfortunately, most smokers don't get words of encouragement, they are nagged, shamed and blamed for their smoking. Find someone who will tell you that you can be successful when you're ready and tell those who nag you that they are only increasing the urge to smoke, if only in defiance. If you can't think of anyone, then call one of the free state-sponsored quit-lines that have trained professionals that will encourage you.

Past Experiences: A powerful tool is to write a goodbye letter to your cigarettes, telling them what they have meant to you, how they have helped you in certain situations, what they have contributed to your life and how they have harmed you.

Current environment situations: For many, the economy is a major issue, think how much money you would save by quitting. Different cities and states are regulating where a person can smoke, how is this impacting you? Some employers are going smoke-free, how does this affect you? Ask your doctor to explain in detail what smoking is doing to your body and how will your body improve if you quit? What else is happening in your world that affects you and how does this relate to your smoking?

By taking even small steps in looking at your relationship to your cigarettes, will help build that state of mind that ultimately will lead to success. Believe in progress, not perfection and the day will come when the light turns on for you too.

The Key to Staying Quit Forever

In most of my workshops, everyone quits smoking but that figure is misleading because I think that nicotine addiction is over estimated as a problem to quitting but UNDER estimated as a problem when dealing with relapse.
Many smokers come to my workshops saying I'm their "Last Resort", they have tried everything and nothing works. I know these individuals will be successful long term because they just need a little bit of tweaking of their personal cessation plan. they have the desire to quit, otherwise they wouldn't keep trying. They also have gone through the relapse cycle and once they understand the effect of nicotine on the brain, they can avoid relapse. Often these quitters just need a little bit more information and a few more tools in their quitting toolbox and to be successful quitters need many different tools--not just one--like medications --to be successful.
Virgins or first time quitters will quit also and even thought they will say that since they have quit for x number of days or weeks, I can almost guarantee them that they will relapse and be smoking again within 6 months to a year. They have only learned part of their problem--how to deal with the withdrawal and recovery symptoms from smoking. Sometimes they will listen about what they need to avoid relapsing but often these virgins figure that the problem is licked, no need to go any further.
Yet, they relapse and they will attend another one of my workshops. Other participants will comment that obviously the program doesn't work--and the relapsers will say--"No, the program works, I didn't do the work that I should have to be successful, that's why I'm back. I can quit through this program." They realize they need to take responsibility for not following through on learning what they need to know to avoid relapsing. Many smokers will become like me--a professional quitter--the quitting is the easy part, the hard part is staying quit.
Unfortunately many smokers will become discouraged and give up instead of realizing that the more often they try to stop, the more they will learn about how they are connected to their cigarettes and each time, they add one more tool to the toolbox until they have all the tools to be successful forever.
Quitting is a process and not a one time event. It is considered a chronic relapsing disease. Just as with any other chronic condition, you don't just deal with it once and it's gone. Quitting is an ongoing relearning situation. The only failure is when yhou stop trying.

Take Positive Steps Toward Quitting Smoking

Quitting is a process where we change our behavior one step at a time. Thsi often starts with a statement such as, "I'm not going to smoke in the house anymore." "I"m not going to smoke in my car." or after we quit, we tell ourselves, "I'm not going to smoke ever again."
But our brains are funny sometimes and the unconscious sometimes doesn't hear the word "NOT" because those kind of statments call for negative action or no action and we are hard wired to action or to do something. Try to NOT do something, it is easier to DO something than not do it.
Now look at those same statements: "I'm going to smoke in the house." "I"m going to smoke in my car." or after we quit, we tell ourselves, "I'm going to smoke." If this is what your brain is hearing, it can sabatoge your success.
So instead, turn your statements into positive, action statements of what you will do, not what you won't do.
"I'm going to smoke outside from now on." "I'll be smoke free in my car." "I choose to be smoke free."
When a craving comes up, instead of fighting against it by saying, "I'm not going to smoke, I'm not going to smoke." State what you will do. "I can go for a walk instead of smoking." "I can change the way i think about smoking." "I can do this."
Focus on what you want instead of what you don't want, what you will do and not what you won't do.

Stop Blaming Smokers

Many people want to point a finger at smokers, "Don't you know that it's bad for your health?" they ask.These self righteous individuals are making smoking a moral or ethical issue instead of what it is--a health issue, pure and simple. Smokers are not bad people because they smoke. 90% started as a teenager before they were legally able to buy cigarettes and before their brains were fully developed. Teenagers often lack the sense to make appropriate life-changing decisions. Teenagers often think that they won't become addicted or that they will quit before they do any permanent physical damage. Yet a teenager can become addicted within 6 months of the first cigarette and because their brain is still developing, smoking can cause structural changes to the brain which make it very difficult to stop smoking. So why do we still blame adults for making a stupid decision as a teenager? It's time to stop blaming the smoker for being addicted to nicotine. It's time to stop making smoking a moral issue. We don't blame individuals with diabetes, heart disease, high cholesterol, or high blood pressure for eating the wrong foods that damaged their blood vessels. Their habit of eating started as a children before they had control over their food choices. Smokers are more likely to stop once they are not blamed for smoking but are helped to address their physical problem, just as we view those with other chronic diseases that center are our lifestyle choices. Most smokers do want to quit but as long as non-smokers keep pointing a finger at smokers, their defensive mechanisms stay up and keep the smoker smoking instead of looking for solutions to try and quit.

What is the First Step Towards Quitting Smoking?

After building a desire to quit, many smokers get stuck in a love/hate relationship with their cigarettes. They want to quit but they also don't want to give them up just yet. But if you think of this a process and not a one time event, it will make it easier. So the first step is to start to break your connections to your cigarettes. Most smoker smoke unconsciously. The computer in our head registers a trigger that connects in our mind to light up a cigarette and we have done that without even thinking about it--just like we automatically drive a car--we don't think about pushing the gas pedal or hitting the brake--it is automatic. Our brain is conditioned to smoke and does so automatically. So the first step is to become conscious of the cigarettes you are smoking.
This could be something simple like leaving your cigarettes in another room instead of on the table next to you, so instead of unconsciously reaching for one and lighting it up, you actually have to think for a minute and go get one before you can smoke it. you cold leave them in your car, on top of your refrigerator, in the garage, I know of one person who even left them in their mailbox. Maybe it is just logging in on a piece of paper every time you light up--what time is it, what are you doing and how are you feeling.
I believe in progress, not perfection. You didn't become a smoker over night but your brain had to learn how to smoke and what your individual triggers are before you were a full time smoker. Just like when you learned to drive a car, it took a while before it became automatic. Quitting is a relearning process, the first step is to become aware and conscious. You need to know what you are doing if you are to change it.
Quitting is like a baby learning to walk. First the baby grabs onto the coffee table and holds on, next stands up and immediately falls on their butt and finally takes a first step and falls on butt again. But we would never chastise a baby because they don't take off and start running immediately because we know it is a process and that the baby is learning how to use muscles they have never used before. If you are like so many smokers, you started smoking as a teenager, so you've been smoking longer than you've been doing almost anything else--smoking is connected to sooooo many things in your life, it is a retraining process, a learning process with each cigarette, each instance that you smoke, each habit, each emotion. But often we are too hard on ourselves for not stopping in one day.
So start by learning about your smoking habits, one step at a time.

Changing the Way you Think about Cigarettes to Help You Stop Smoking

In a workshop during the time of 9-11, one woman had quit and her husband continued to smoke. She said, "Every time I see his pack of cigarettes, I just think that this is 20 little terrorists trying to kill me."It is important to change the way you think about smoking and cigarettes. Often smokers feel deprived when they quit or that they are losing a best friend. Instead of deprivation or loss, start thinking of what you are gaining, such as better health, smell better, food tastes better, becoming a better role model for you children, providing a healthier environment for your family.For another woman, every time a craving came up, she said to herself, "Oh, that's something I used to do but I don't need cigarettes anymore." As she said this, she imagined the glowing cherry of the cigarette on he sleeve and she brushed it away.Stop thinking of what you are giving up, but how much better your life is without cigarettes being in control.

Using Cigars to Quit Smoking Cigarettes

Jim quit smoking cigarettes almost two years ago but he has started smoking mini-cigars that are the shape of a cigarette. Many men switch to cigars thinking that this is a safer alternative to smoking cigarettes because "you don't inhale" with cigars. Research has shown that when a cigarette smoker switches to cigars, that they do inhale, it is an automatic response, plus cigars, depending on the size, can have more nicotine than a cigarette, which can making smoking it even worse than sticking with a cigarette.

But it is not a matter whether it is safer or not. The issue is that the need for nicotine or addiction to nicotine is still there. A smoker always gets something from the cigarette that they are not getting somewhere else. The trick is to figure out what it is that the smoker really needs and it's not the cigarette, it is what the cigarette represents.

When a smoker quits, they go through different phases. The first phase is the physical addiction which is very intense for a week and then tapers lasting about 3 to 4 weeks. the next phase is dealing with habit cigarettes which takes a month to reverse a habit. The next phase deals with strong emotions and stress which can last a lifetime. By talking to a smoker and asking what is the longest period of time they have quit smoking for and what happened that caused them to pick up that first cigarette after quitting, I can determine what issues this smoker needs to deal with. If a smoker can't quit for more than a couple of days, then I know they are probably highly physically addicted and their issue is to deal with this. For someone like Jim, mostly likely his return to smoking cigars is to deal with underlying stress or strong emotions.

Finding out what the underlying issues are, and developing a strategy for dealing with the issue is the key for long term success.

Dreaming About Smoking Even After Quitting

Yesterday was my 18th anniversary of going smoke free. I gave my first stop smoking workshop one month later. Even after all this time, I still dream that I smoke. It usually happens before a new workshop is scheduled to start and I'm in a panic because I need to quit right now, so that I can facilitate the class. Upon waking, it takes a minute or two to realize it was just a dream and for that minute or two I feel guilty that I have slipped and smoked.
I smoked for over 20 years and it is unrealistic to think that I will never have another thought or dream about smoking but that is all it is just a thought, just a dream (nightmare would be more accurate). all is well. But when we think of smoking, the word that is most often used is--craving. People who have been quit for 5 years will say--"I'm craving a cigarette right now" but what they are really saying is, "I'm thinking about something that I did for a very long time but I don't do that anymore and it's no big deal." Thinking or dreaming about a cigarette is very different than those cravings that hit right after a smoker has stopped smoking, which are physical and mental sensations.
so the next time you think, dream or "crave" a cigarette, just realize that it is just a thought and you can change the way you think about smoking--"It's something I used to do but I've outgrown that and (name what is important to you) is more important to me than having a cigarette.